Why does she keep returning to the past?

nn"Help! Why does she keep talking about the past? Nothing I do is ever good enough." Sound familiar? A recurring theme I hear from many of my heterosexual couples is the issue of repairing past conflicts. I don't want to generalize and sound sexist, but there are obvious similarities in what I'm hearing... a lot that men experience and say in relation to their female counterparts. Again, not everyone is the same, but I can't deny how often I hear the same complaint from men. nnHere are some examples: n

"Why does she keep bringing up the past? It never stops." nn“She never lets things go.” nn“She’s so negative.” nn“She never sees my attempts to make things better.” nn"I'm always wrong." nn"She's always pestering me about something." nn“I don’t understand how one small thing can start a huge argument over something that is unrelated and happened months ago.”

rn*To clarify, I think all couples, regardless of gender, face this common problem, but for the sake of this article, let's continue with the example of a heterosexual couple.nnSo, I'm sure you want an objective understanding to help you understand it better, right? Here are some common reasons why she may continue to bring up the past and hold grudges. n

Reason 1: Why does she keep bringing up the past? | You're not validating her in the way she needs.

nThe main reason a person clings to the past is because they don't feel heard and/or fully understood by the person they believe hurt them. (To be clear, validating and helping your partner feel understood in the way he/she needs is not your priority. "job". Forgiveness is a choice for each of us to make unconditionally, which means letting go regardless of being validated in the way we need; BUT if you are in a partnership, you can both benefit greatly by learning to validate others more effectively to help promote forgiveness and healing Ideally, you. should want to do it.) nnBy validating more effectively, you can try to name their emotion, not put yourself in the situation for a moment and just hear her experience. Ask yourself, WWhat does she say? And think about it. It's that simple! nnFor example, you say: "I can understand that I really upset you when I did X." nAt this point, NOTHING ELSE is necessary! Once she feels validated and you understand the reason for her anger, she can return to logic and her defensive and/or emotional state regulates and calms down. When it is no longer blocked by emotion, you can then explain the misunderstanding by relying more on logic (i.e. your experience). "That wasn't my intention at all and I can see how we misunderstood each other. I wanted to do _________. I never meant to hurt you and I'm sorry it felt that way. " nnThe power of validation is enormous! Now...it's his turn to work on truly letting go. n

Reason 2: Why does she keep bringing up the past? | You keep trying to “fix” the problem.

nIf your partner keeps bringing up recurring issues, it might be because you're trying too hard... fix it, rather than just acknowledging the problem.. Women tend to process their emotions while expressing themselves outwardly; men tend to process their emotions internally and then express them externally. choose to express emotionally/outwardly. TOTALLY OPPOSITE. Not that one is right or wrong, but we usually approach problems completely differently. nnNo wonder you perceive it as incredibly negative! nnShe is not "negative", she simply works on her emotions in the innate way she knows; For... feel it, then think about it. You may perceive it as negative because you are not used to it... you don't feel You need to give him experiences first so you can process them. His "negativity" is really just an unprocessed emotion and all you need to do is do your best not to take it personally and give him space to have emotional reactions while She's working on it. nn(For the record, she should do her best not to project these onto you! Just because she is more emotionally expressive does not give her the right to be aggressive towards you without taking responsibility or caring take into account the impact of their emotional reaction on you). nnHere's an example: Let's say she comes home and has no energy. She storms in, throws her purse and screams, "I hate my job! It's awful! No one is nice to me at the office and I hate it! I'm so sick of it!" You may feel triggered, wanting to retreat into your shell and turn up the volume on the television. You may say to yourself, "Ugh, here we go again! I wish she was just happy." You might traditionally respond by saying, "You have to look at the positives. Look how nice your commute is, how much money you make, what time you finish! Who cares what your coworkers think of you?" ." nnUnfortunately, if you're trying to "fix their problem," you're actually trying to "fix their mood" because their mood makes you uncomfortable. She internalizes this as a feeling of rejection. She can potentially get more upset and you both argue. You then feed your story: "See, she's always so negative! Nothing will make her happy," and she feeds her story: "See, he never listens and he doesn't care about me or what I feel.” nnInstead, try giving him emotional space first. Let her vent, then offer her a validating thought. "I can totally see how frustrated you are with work. It must be difficult not to feel appreciated by your coworkers." n

Reason 3: Why does she keep bringing up the past? | She doesn't feel like the past has been completely repaired.

rnRepairing conflict (in a healthy way) is primarily about validating the other person's point of view. without trying to win the argument. If your intention is to be right, then you have lost the ability to effectively repair anything with your partner. Your intention should be to deepen your mutual understanding. This will help you continue to respect each other and feel secure in your relationship. If your partner feels hurt by you, try to understand Why instead of getting defensive. It's natural to tell them they are "wrong" because you disagree or your intention was perceived differently. It is then a question of being "right", rather than validating the other and understanding the misunderstanding. You can clear up any misunderstandings by validating each other and working to create consistency and awareness for future issues. together. rnrnShe must also learn to validate you objectively 🙂 . rn

Reason 4: Why does she keep returning to the past? | You take his moods personally.

nComing back to processing emotions, women tend to be more expressive by nature (or nurture). You may assume that every time she gets emotional or has a reaction, she is PERSONALLY targeting you. I know his reactions may seem scary and you don't want to make the situation worse by saying the "wrong" thing, but try to reassure yourself in those moments by telling yourself that “She might not even be mad at me.” Ask for clarity without being defensive, for example: “Are you mad at me?” to “What have I done to you?” or “What’s your problem?” nnSometimes she will express that she is struggling with things outside of you and your relationship. At that point, you know it's not personal, which helps you be more supportive of her instead of getting into a huge argument. Ask him: “What do you need right now?” or “How can I help you?”. It's possible that giving her permission to be a little emotional without being defensive will help her diffuse the situation and calm down. n

Reason 5: Why does she keep returning to the past? | She feels insecure and needs something from you.

nMost often, when a partner continues to bring up past issues defensively, it's because they feel extremely insecure in the relationship and aren't getting what they need. Your partner may not know what they're missing, but something may be causing them to feel insecure in your relationship and/or how they think you perceive them. She may still be hurt by a problem that happened six months ago, but have trouble talking about it. and fears not being heard. nnUnfortunately, she devalues ​​herself, probably telling herself that she's being ridiculous and that she needs to get over it, until she can't help it anymore. Furthermore, she afraid of being a pain and does her best to fend for herself. (You've probably already told her to "let it go" once and she's afraid to bring it up again). again. She's probably blaming herself because she doesn't understand why she... can't.) nnUnfortunately, ignoring emotions rarely makes them go away and she can find herself exploding at the slightest little frustration that arises. It is most likely Why you perceive it as unpredictable and why you feel like you are walking on eggshells. As her partner, this is incredibly unfair to you because it doesn't help you understand what she needs. nnYou're just trying to defend yourself and make up for what you "did" to upset her. This is why you both need to work together. She must do his part and work on understanding her emotions as they arise, but she must also take the risk to express what she needs. at the moment instead of waiting for it to snap out of nowhere. This is also why you work on the tips above to help you better understand his behavior and needs, so you don't feel incredibly defeated. nnCouples therapy can be extremely helpful when recurring problems are cyclical. A qualified couples therapist can help you learn to better communicate about the "problem" that is triggering the resentment or fear, as well as work on ultimate forgiveness, which will move you both forward. Contact us today for a free consultation! nn